gatheringbones:

nancy and bonnie, lesbian sacred sexuality, by marcelina martin and diane mariechild, 1995

[I was 32 when I tested positive and I made the decision to never have sex or intimacy again. I had just broken up with my girlfriend and my life was a mess. My health was good then. I think my decision was premature. I was frightened about the possibilities. I gave up on living. I had a really strong feeling that I was a poisoned person. I didn’t have sex with anyone for four years. I was into the death part of HIV. I thought I was a dead person, just waiting to die. It was very sacred for me to learn that I wasn’t a poison person. I couldn’t have learned that without sex. Before I was embracing death, I had given up. I had given up on any kind of intimacy with anyone. I was so alone. I was 36 when I met Bonnie and I was totally smitten. My relationship with her changed my attitude about who I am and particularly who I am with this disease. On a day-to-day level I’ve realized that I’m not just a person waiting to die. I can live my life. It has been very life-affirming. Now, I don’t feel so frightened, I’m more comfortable. I don’t even think I was afraid of giving the disease to someone else. I felt that if I approached someone they would react in such a way that I would feel totally rejected. I didn’t want to take that chance. I’ve had a hard time with this disease in the lesbian community. I haven’t always been received graciously. It’s nice to meet people who can see beyond my HIV status. When we first started having sex I was self-conscious. At first I was rigid, no you can’t do this to me, you can’t do that to me. And they were all things I really loved. I wanted to have that flowing sex with someone who didn’t have any boundaries. Bonnie really broke down a lot of my rigidity. We have changed a lot about what we think is safe sex and what isn’t. In the passion of our new relationship we did a lot of things we don’t do now. Truthfully, I don’t love safe sex. I would like sex to be more spontaneous, without any planning, but it can’t always be that way. This is the 1990’s and there is this new disease and a lot of old diseases too. I think lesbians tend to be cavalier about AIDS- we don’t think we can get it. Sacredness, when I was younger, meant the grass, the trees, the lakes. Now that I am in my thirties I think what is really sacred is to be able to be comfortable in a hostile world, to feel like there is something that makes you able to live in the day-to-day world. Something that gives you a cushion. That is what is sacred.]